Lost or Brainwashed

Propshuass. Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oD3vdyBTvBU

holding on.
anticipating some kind of change. He asked if it were our brains, would we alter it? Ultimately changing who we are. Erasing our experiences and ridding of all acquired knowledge. Could I trade it all? Would I on a whim, sacrifice it all to be with him? This body is mine. This life is mine. Would I be wiling to trade it all to change my mind? Ask me on different days and I'm bound to give you a different answer every time.



Yes? No? Maybe? Somewhat? Could I give and take pieces of myself? Could I retain my knowledge and appreciation while acquiring? But that would be asking for too much. I somehow thought embarking on this journey, I'd become more in touch with myself. But instead I am more confused than ever. Or am I just escaping the answers and seeking alternatives in order to spare my own feelings? Judging by my reaction to my own thought, its the latter.

"no one can love you more than you love yourself"

I'm learning. Finding myself stumbling and falling. Face planting near my own feet each time I miss a step. Its been difficult. Probably more than it should've been. But he makes it easier. Pulls the knife from my hand every time I begin to saw at my own throat. She hated rooming with me, I made her miserable. But encouraged me to go out with him any chance I got. She saw what he did to me then.. Still does that to me now. Sometimes I wonder if its real and if we have balance. Is one more invested than the other? How many eggs does he have in the basket in comparison to me? I guess that's where faith comes in.

Outkast - "Prototype"

Somewhere in my mind, I'm always anticipating the worst. Even when all evidence points to the brighter side, I expect the outcome to be negative. I'd just hate to have my expectations of a situation to be high, only to be disappointed. But how does one truly enjoy life if they're always preparing for the worst instead of simply living and allowing things to happen?

3 Tarot card readings that all said the same. Do not expect my destination to bring me happiness, but to appreciate the journey instead. If I do not, I will be left lost and unsatisfied.

Xay, it's time to wake up. You opened your eyes and somewhere along the way, closed them again. Reopen. It is not a dream and although it may seem like it now, it is not a nightmare. You have a problem.. quite a few actually. You know what many of them are. Fix them before they become real problems. Stop fighting yourself & start loving. Do you not feel you are worthy of your own love? Or could it be the disconnection and the sensation of not being myself, is hindering me from really knowing just who I am? Possibly. Am I forcing myself to love someone I do not know? Or am I simply avoiding it all due to denial and self hatred?

I can't remember the last time I uttered a positive word to myself. I use to make sure to do that exercise daily. Even messaged others periodically to make sure they did too. Somehow that got lost. I think I need to resume. It seemed pointless but looking back now, it benefited me in some ways. It gave me one less thing to feel uncomfortable about. But now it seems nearly impossible to. I did try. Failed. He's even more a stranger now than ever before. Lately, I've just been feeling so out of touch with myself and the people around me. Am I imagining things or is this really happening? What exactly is happening?

I miss you.