despite not ever resting last night, this morning, I woke up. I am beyond tired of the way I have been feeling. sick of hating every part of my being and pretending to love instead. been sleeping the days away simply to avoid myself. I've allowed myself to walk the earth as a dead man. how could I be the one to rob myself of my own life? my soul. my will to live slowly dwindled away as I relied on specific dates to bring me to life. but I am alive! I may not feel like the man I know myself to be, but I am alive. I am here. how dare I be the one to silence myself? I've brought more pain and destruction upon myself than anyone in my life ever has.
"no one hurts me more than you, and no one ever will"
but I must learn to not be my biggest and maybe even my only enemy. all the time spent running has been from myself. no one else. I plead to escape my own thoughts, feelings and abuse. I wish to be another and fail to realize just what I have. everything a simple man could ever ask for. and it still does not seem to be enough. why should I stand still? I think I've forgotten what living use to be like. I don't quite understand life anymore.
November 11th, 2008 was the day I started a new life. I've given myself another chance, why not make the best of it? She at least tried and refused to break or give in.. so why should he? She lived for him as much as she possibly could.. so why has he given up so easily?
"you will be consumed by what you desire most"
probably the most meaningful thing she has ever said to me.
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